With Spring in full effect and Summer just around the corner now is the time that most guys are going to their wardrobes with a complete and utter disregard for the rules set in place by the forefathers of fashion of what to wear at what time of year or knowing when to retire that old shirt with the holes in the armpits. They find themselves going to their wives looking for an honest assessment of “Is this OK?” only to get a blank stare or a set of rolled eyes as if to say: “Are you kidding me?” If you have ever gotten this look you are, without question, not alone.
The perception of being a guy who actually cares about his appearance or even one step further, one who cares about the rules of wardrobe etiquette and what is actually still in style has in the past been something that most guys for one reason or another have kept… In the closet. Sorry, had to do it. Now this is not to say that there aren’t plenty of guys who read Esquire, GQ and now even better yet, Vertical Magazine to get their fashion guidance from someone they feel has been in the fashion world long enough to let them in on the little secrets that make them feel like they too can dress like George Clooney. Since you are in the group who cares, seeing that you are actually reading this and not just looking at the pictures, I will lay out a few of my personal pet peeves so that you can avoid being the guy at Wal-Mart that I see and lean over to my wife to say “Really?” as I cast a stare of disbelief in your direction while my wife jabs me in the ribs and says “Be nice, not everyone has you to dress them or cares what you think.” I always want to say “Well they should!” but instead I say the right thing and nobody gets hurt.
Since I am a pretty dressy guy I will start with the more tailored clothing and work my way down from there. As far as the seasonal aspect goes I am always astounded that I constantly see guys wearing flannel or corduroy in the spring or summer. Stop the madness!! This is the south; you make me hot just thinking about seeing you in a camel hair sport coat in June. For Spring and Summer think cotton, tropical weight wool and of course linen. Usually in this season the colors are brighter and bolder but can be subdued when necessary. The rules for basics don’t change. Your charcoal or navy suit and your navy blazers are still ok as long as they aren’t a heavy fabric. As far as the style of current clothing goes here is your new mantra: “Less is more!” If you are still wearing the jackets that look like they have football pads in the shoulders and trousers with eight pleats in them you are asking for me to get poked in the ribs because I WILL point you out to my wife. The style for this spring is unconstructed light-weight jackets that are cut trim and shorter along with flat front trousers that are slim legged but not too tight (nobody wants to see you in Robert Plant’s digs).
Dress and sport shirts are often a topic of conversation that I promise you will change your life if you will just hear me out. Again, out with the big and in with the trim. I am not saying that Chris Farley’s fat guy in a little anything is OK but you would be amazed at the difference of not having to repack that parachute of a shirt every morning. I find that when I get a guy turned on to a slimmer fitted shirt or even better yet, a custom made shirt, he is immediately ruined and never wants to go back to the over sized, twelve extra inches of fabric poofing out the back of his pants, shirts ever again. The yoke of the shirt should fit to edge of your shoulders without falling off and the sleeves should be long enough that there is a little room for the arm to bend without pulling the cuff up but not so long that you have a pile of fabric bunching up on your wrist. As far as the fabrics and colors go it is pretty much the same rule light weight cottons and linens in brighter colors and whites are always a safe bet. Now I am going to step on some toes and yes, I will take full responsibility for my words here… Please for the love of all that is Holy throw away all of your goofy looking Hawaiian shirts! Ok, I’ll allow you to keep ONE for the one luau themed party a year that you feel obligated to have a flowery printed shirt for. I don’t care how comfortable those stupid shirts are; unless your name is Cosmo Kramer, lose them. As long as we are addressing the issue let’s talk about the hideous silk pants that go with them. Ok for beach pictures or actually being someplace tropical but not ok for my banker to wear. Another shirt that I am getting more and more tired of seeing is the shirt that creepy slick guy at the end of the bar is wearing. You know who I’m talking about, the guy who is “scoping out” the room with his shirt un-tucked and has the cuff of his sleeve turned up so that everyone can see that it is a different pattern from the rest of the shirt and it most likely has a big ornate cross embroidered on the back… We are all very impressed. Now go home and Google “Creepy guy at the bar” and see how many girls have taken your picture and posted you on their Facebook page to make fun. The only person that this look works for really well is the chubby gay guy on the TV show Modern Family. As much as Mr. Bahama and Mr. Graham want you to believe you have seen the light I suggest you turn to Mr. Sinatra or even “The most interesting man in the world” for your inspiration on how to dress to impress the opposite sex. My personal preference is almost always the Italians. In most cases they have the fit down and know exactly what elegance should look like.
Moving on to what is probably the most common staple of any man’s wardrobe is jeans. I can make this one short and simple. Ornate stitching and stuff all over the pockets is for women. I don’t mind distressed or even other colors like white jeans as long as they are the right fit for your body style. Some guys look good in low rise jeans and some look better in a gentleman’s cut. For example if you have a belly that laps over the front of your pants you should probably, no definitely, stay away from a low-rise jean. You just need to find the style or brand that fits your body type best and go with it. The only other jeans that I can think of that are as unflattering as the afore mentioned are maybe pleated jeans but usually these are reserved for individuals who have reached retirement age so if you have made it to that point in your life who am I to tell you what comfy pants to wear?
Last and probably the broadest issue is that of footwear. One thing I hear a lot from women is that they will look at a man’s shoes to determine how successful or well kept he is. In other words if you are a well dressed individual whether it is a nice suit or just a great pair of jeans they will make an immediate assumption of what kind of person you are by A.) What kind of shoes you are wearing and B.) What condition said shoes are in. A bad pair of shoes or shoes that are in terrible condition can ruin a nice outfit in a heartbeat. Since shoe styles are so broad in range from casual to dress and everything in between I will keep it simply to the stuff that really gets on my last nerve. On the issue of fashion here are a couple items that need to be donated to the Salvation Army: The elf shoe. I see guys who wear this style of shoe that has a pointy toe (often chisel tipped )and has a super long toe box so that after wearing for a while they start to turn up severely. There is a guy who works in the building across the street from my store that has quite the selection of these. If you are reading this and you think it could be you?... it is. Next is the shoe that has plagued us since about 1994 and has never seemed to go away: The square toed shoe made most popular by Kenneth Cole. It’s over. Done. Get rid of them. If I am making suggestions on what to look for I would again turn to the Italians, they just know what looks good and are the best at making almost everything that has to do with a man’s closet. Do a search for brands like Ferragamo and Gravati to learn about what is in style for the season and to learn about how nicer shoes are made. The other issue here is the condition of a man’s shoes. It is amazing what a pair of shoetrees and some shoe cream can do for a pair of shoes. If you don’t want to take the time to polish your shoes yourself find a good cobbler and drop them off every once in a while to freshen them up. The only other thing that I do feel obligated to mention is that according to my wife, the sandals that most of us refer to as “flip flops” are never under any circumstances to be called thongs. This apparently is only appropriate for, never mind it’s just not appropriate.
Now that you know how I feel about some of the clothing train wrecks that take place among the men of America you can make sure that you are not among the helpless few that become the subject of a wall post on my Facebook page asking; “What was he thinking?” As usual, I am always open to questions or comments and most of all would love for you to send me pictures of the worst dressed people you know so that I may offer my not so humble opinion of what they should or should not be wearing.
